last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
