there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
