I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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