Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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