When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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