I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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