I can't watch pbs sober anymore
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
