Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
