filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
