someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
time to smoke my breakfast
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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