Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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