I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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