I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
