It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
