Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
