Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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