My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
