Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
