he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
