I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
