woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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