I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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