My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
