I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk is a universal language darling
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
