Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
