have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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