I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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