u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
