I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
