Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
