Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
