I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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