sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
