you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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