Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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