They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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