she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
