I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
