I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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