i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Mom said you looked used
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
