In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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