he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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