so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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