My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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