Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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