why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
