and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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