So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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