Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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