I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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