my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
