he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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